Deep...very deep! Can you handle it?

Bulge in pocket...not showing off. No Chemo hasn't hasn't got that much upside!

Mad Monday, when the day just takes it course and new experiences add to old. 

6.30 am alarm goes off, quick start to the morning and the more relaxed ease into the day approach is never going to happen, today is Mad Monday. This is the day we head down to town after a recharge at the farm (kuitpo 45 minutes from town), where we have had massive downpours and all dams and the lakes are overflowing already. Pretty sight.

6.45am, washing hair real gentle like, watching the drain very carefully, massaging my hair rather than scrubbing it to try and retain as much as possible. Drain looks ok....Sylvia keen to see the big shave, nup...holding up so far.

6.55am, pre-meal mix, powders and tablets...

7.05am, leave 5 minutes late for town and Hospital.

8.15 am, check in BH, up to Oncology, take the big PILL, off to Jones and Partners, Scans, scrub, PICC line and all that goes with that. Dawn has been there from the very start, magic eyes, very caring and here we go again, I was getting tests right at the start of all this, kinda nice to share the ride, assuming you have to go on it.

Anyway, new Doc. new Radiologist, can't say too many names or I may get a lecture on privacy...but this time it was tougher finding the right spot in the vein. I was also EXTREMELY APPREHENSIVE about the procedure, I was here 4 weeks ago and didn't enjoy it at all, I am NOT brave. 

Janine and I have been workshopping this very event. I knew I was going to find today really hard, I knew what to expect and I didn't like it at all. So while familiarity was a good thing, for me it brought additional issues as my mind was not going to let me do this the easy way.

Tonight, all the way from the other side of the world, Janine text me to see how I went, now that is very cool. Several of you who were aware how I was so not looking forward to today also sent encouragement, happy to report I am back writing the blog, so clearly made it.

I used a simple well tested technique of deep controlled breathing. On the full breath, counting 1,000-2,000-3,000.... Followed by controlled slow exhale saying r-e-l-a-x. No doubt you have heard this technique before...it works.

 Been taught this, and forgotten it too. Well, it made a massive difference. The guys in the room knew I was in trouble, I was sure I was going to faint, I didn't, I bloody made it!!!!!

You know when the shit is happening, it all goes quiet, them there is some trivia discussion with the patient and some anxious tones, and a big attempt to stay calm by everyone, with frustration. Pick it a mile off. That event is EXACTLY what I must practice over and over, it is part of the experience and the part that did my head in last time I was in Hospital for a serious operation, having my Diverticular section January 2011. 

Shit happens, and those moments occur, it is unhelpful and unrealistic for me to try and control events like that, but I can learn to control how I react to them. The only control I have is choosing who's hands it is that I place my life in, and once the show begins, I become the passenger but on the bus I have chosen.

After the PICC line went in, (I think it was 38cm this time, lost concentration so may have got that detail wrong this time), and this time the rolls Royce, (or should I say Bentley)  of PICC's the high pressure one. Nothing you can't insert in this little PICC! For the uneducated, the PICC is access to my blood, via a 38cm tube that runs through my arm and rests just above my heart to let all the Chemo get into the system to kill those cancer cells for me while limiting damage to my veins.

Back to Oncology, and into it. Tabitha was there and is always a legend, as usual, we had a great chat. Sylvia and I were both in attendance, these meeting I love someone with me to help absorb it all, the specialists do this every day and there are so many knowledge  gaps, always new things I need to know, more things we want to learn. The more I learn the less I realise I knew/know. 

Comfy chair, in goes the gear, the good gear starts at around 10am by now, weighed to benchmark my weight, and in goes all the gear, bags of it. 

I was needing a snooze, very tired. Sylvia left and we played pass the baton as planned from the start. Suzannah was handed the baton from Sylvia, and called in around 1pm. A person we shall name George (you can't guess so don't try), was in with me today, always learn a lot from other patients, always. Every one has fears, concerns and are anxious about things, love chatting, good for all of us. 

Well Suzannah, George and lets call her nurse J all had quite a chat. After George escaped, Suz and I had a really frank and open chat about things, it was gold for all of us. To me, the 6 months home helping in the business and supporting me was paid back in this one conversation. So much honesty, so liberating. More down under "learnings".


Did you know....the weigh in is my check in weight, then after kilos of fluid and chemicals I had to be at my check in weight to check out. Lots of wee-ing!  Had to pass minimum of "wee 500+ml" test,  plus pass the same "arrival weight" test before I could go. 

On the bottle. Once the weight was reached, with a little help from another injection (to make we wee more quickly)...on went my baby bottle of cancer kill that is my mate all week It puts a rather large bulge in my pocket, but only until Friday. So 5 days around the clock killing the little buggers, to ensure I get every last killer cell and either poison it or zap it.

Radiotherapy. Got out BH by 2.35, rushed straight to South Terrace to meet my radiotherapy nurse, (Jody xx), weighed again for checking for any loss over treatment. All good.

From Jodie, almost straight into getting zapped...4 to go!!!!!!!

Sylvia dropped my back home, wandered in and checked in on some work stuff in Hoot&Toot (our advertising studio), then it was dinner time. Family dinner was great to debrief the day, work and medical....medical dominated for a change.

Learnings. Moments of truth -  those golden  moments that just happen. Above I referred to a chat with nurse  J, Suzannah and I had in Hospital. It is irrelevant to all others what we discussed, but I suspect Gen and Suz will have another worldly conversation tomorrow as they meet the Surgeon for the first time, and as I continue my learnings with many more questions. I am going there with my biggest fears too...no its not death, I have dealt with that (show me a single person who isnt going to die!! The only thing most don't know is the date, so why sweat that fear, it simply takes up valuable living time). We can handle that and rest assured I have no intention of pulling that card early, I have way  too much more to do. 

But fear and panic over stuff that is manufactured in my head is the stuff Janine can help me with. This is my way of preparation to be mentally strong for my  big op. 

Much to my complete amazement, I have actually had a trial  run last January. Such an eye opener about going in to an operation unprepared, naive and not understanding and addressing my own fears. 

I had no idea of the support team I needed around me and I totally underestimated how tough I was, and essentially stuffed that simple operation up from me coping and taking it in my stride. It was lucky my surgeon was so talented!!! He did his job, I was underprepared.

Having family, friends, work mates and people you know supporting you IS SO SO important. Just knowing they are there and on the journey with me...this time I realize and understand just how important to me this is. Toughing it alone was just dumb, pure ego impressing no one. 

On the flip side and equally as important is understanding that not everyone cares, and that is perfectly OK and it must/can not be expected either. It is not their problem and accepting that (particularly in the business side of things), focussing on those that do care is what is important, and in times of emotional need being happy to take some "withdrawals from your emotional bank", their generosity...and then feeling good about that. This may sound gobble goo, but hopefully you are understanding tonight's ramblings.

Work. Many competitors have been so generous and supportive, that has been the most profound learning of all, the respect and the honesty has blown me away. Our team,  Toop&Toop will emerge so much stronger and be a better group as for all this as team members stand up, as they have time and time before. My respect for some of my long time combatants has taken an entirely new light...we have some awesome people in this business. 

Big events bring big lessons, this is a special time that many "well families" may never have an opportunity to share, my current challenges are truly a journey of great love and life learning's...so many lessons.

I have accepted generously all manner of support, many of you I haven't even thanked yet, but I know I will, when I can. I am taking many emotional withdrawals and you are making the difference...

THANKYOU.